i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
