just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
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I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
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OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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