Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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