Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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