explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
