the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
