the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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