I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
