My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
