I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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