i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
