Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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