Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
someone threw a dead crab at me
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
