These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
