I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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