yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
