did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
