well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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