A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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