you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
