God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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