my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
you will always have a special place in my vag
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
