Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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