did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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