you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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