After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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