sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
