I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
