Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
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