he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
