and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
