I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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