Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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