I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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