I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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