My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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