Your dad touched me again.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
