WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
