Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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