dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
she told me i tasted like america
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
