Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
