are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
