The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
