I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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