In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
