Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
