If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
