I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
