We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She's the barista slut.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
