3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
