I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
