Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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