FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
that's an acceptable place to lick
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
New Dating App in Dallas For Only The Most Ambitious and Attractive Singles
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.