I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.