There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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