I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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