I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
